Innocence

I grew up not knowing what love is
I thought I knew, thought I was shown
I wasn’t

I thought my mother loved my father
And my father adored my mother
I thought he just got upset sometimes
Not that he was abusive

I saw them fight
Heard their words
When I was eleven my father said fuck you

When I was forced to live in the basement with five pairs of clothes, I thought the problem was me, not him
When he tried to send me to Mexico, I thought I was the one who needed to change, not him
When he yelled and screamed and drove away, I thought we had done something wrong

I thought

I remember hearing him tell my mother he never loved her
That she shouldn’t dare hope
That he wanted to leave her
That I was the reason why

This all happened before I turned 13
Everyone says I am an innocent ray of sunshine, lightening people’s day
Do you think I am innocent now?

Yesterday, I found out my dad drinks
He swore to me he would never drink
Because drinking destroyed our family name

There are many things I thought I knew
Though clearly I did not
Do you think I’m still innocent
Because clearly I am not