Out of Focus

I have this strange sensation. It’s like rainy day feels but with and added twinge of a dark, looming threat. Thoughts come and go, slipping away from me just as I reached out to grab them. They are slipping between my grip, never staying long, fleeting, as if taunting me. But then they come back, like they want me to know what they hold, want me to remember, but something is keeping them back. Something they seems scared of. Everything is just slipping in and out of focus.

How’s that for personification?

Really though, I keep getting flashes of something I read in a book or saw in a movie. Something with the same colors that match my feelings right now (Google synesthesia, my wonderful color condition, to learn more). I’m listening to my rainy day playlist (songs that are grey and kind of rain-like) which consists of Bruno Mars’ Grenade and When I Was Your Man, Beyonce’s Halo, Carrie Underwood’s Blown Away and Something in the Water, Panic at the Disco’s Death of a Bachelor, etc., trying to grasp those fleeting glimpses into my subconscious.

I’m at Xmester, a program hosted by Vincennes University in southern Indiana where we can get the “real college experience”, with and intense, condensed 2 week class, roomates, and “fun activities”. Quite frankly it sucks. The whole thing is extremely disorganized, my professor has wasted time the last 3 classes (the only 3 we’ve had), I started (even though I literally got off last week), and I miss having a shower that 6 other people aren’t using. A socially anxious, lonely, young woman such as myself needs her personal time every day, which I usually spend taking an hour long bath and singing my lungs out when my family isn’t home. Guess what? No baths, singing, books, or privacy. Yay.

I need my books, my movies, my privacy now more than ever. Either that or my professor needs to start giving us work to do, but the load right now isn’t even close to cutting it. The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders, but I’m starting to see it’s shadow again. Welcome home, old friend.



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